I’ve been hiding . . . and I’m tired.
I’m tired of shopping in plus size stores.
Tired of making love with the lights off.
Tired of staying out of the spotlight because I don’t want people looking at me.
Tired of looking around to see if I’m the biggest in the room, and celebrating when I’m not.
I’m just plain sick and tired of wearing this FAT SUIT!
I originally put it on because it made me feel safe. It protected me when those who should have didn’t. The scariest part of all is that sometimes it protected me from myself when I wasn’t strong enough or brave enough to say no.
But that is all behind me now, and I’m finally ready to love myself and take care of ME in the way I deserve. I can do this because, for the very first time, I feel SAFE. This is mostly due to my amazing husband. He is my soft place to fall, and I know that he will never hurt me. His love makes me feel safe to uncover who I really am and stop hiding.
I’ve dieted on and off pretty much my whole adult life. So why will this time be different? Because I’ve been working on the INSIDE, and I know what purposes the extra weight has served in my life. Those issues are finally behind me, so this will be the last time I make the decision to begin once again.
Find Your Why
I use a tool that helps me when I’m trying to narrow down my feelings or get to the root cause of a problem. It’s called the FIVE WHYS. Here’s an example:
Question 1: Why do I want to lose weight?
Answer: Because I want to look better.
Question 2: Why do I want to look better?
Answer: I want to feel better about myself and be more confident.
Question 3: Why do I want to feel better about myself and be more confident?
Answer: I think people will like me more.
Question 4: Why does it matter if people like you?
Answer: Because if other people don’t like me, then I don’t like myself.
Question 5: Why don’t you like yourself?
Answer: Because I’m ashamed of things that have happened in the past.
Interesting, huh? So essentially, I’m wearing 100 pounds of shame . . . and it’s heavy! I’m not naive enough to believe that losing weight is going to solve all my problems. But the fact that I’m finally ready is a good indicator that all the work I’ve been doing on the INSIDE is ready to manifest itself on the outside.
And just to be clear, I’m not going on some crazy diet. I’m creating a new life style for myself with the end goal of health and happiness. I’m expecting weight loss as a result, but I don’t care how long it takes. I know it won’t be easy, but I’m determined to make it work this time.
If you’re on a similar journey and would like some accountability, join the official Sublime Reflection Fitness facebook group.
Journey into Journaling
Join me on a journey to self-discovery and learn the healing power of journaling.